Tonight I did one of the hardest things someone ever has to do; break up with someone.
I HATE being the dumper. I have never really had a boyfriend, yet, I have done this twice now. I hate. my. life. I feel so awful for hurting him. I could have just not talked to him at all...but then I would have been out a friend. But perhaps, I am out one anyway. I pray I am not, though I am not going to hold my breathe. May be a long time waiting.
I feel like the worst friend in the world. Like I can never make up for this. All I want is for him to be okay and to still want to be my friend. That's it. I wish I could take his place. I SO wish that.
I have never been mush good at waiting. Yet, that's all I can do in this situation.
I was so afraid of being another Allie to him. I prayed I would never be that. But here and now, after everything I feel like nothing more than a sad excuse of a even a somewhat good friend. I still ended up being just. Like. Her.
I have excuses, I really do. And they're good ones. But when no one is listening, they mean nothing. No thing I can say will make up for this.
For Valentines Day I sent him a Teddy bear. I even named it. I sent chocolate and an amazing card...but the day after I sent it, I started having doubts as to if I should have sent it. I shouldn't have. It didn't help. Just made this evening that much worse.
I hate myself for being like this. But, I have found no way to have made it better. There was no way I could have known then what I know now.
He likes me.
I kinda liked him.
He still likes me.
I know now, I like someone else.
This, makes me awful and I feel like the utter failure. In relationships. And life.
