Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

All of Philippians 4  <-----Click here.

Unimportant Arguments

I hate fighting with God. No matter how much I get upset about things that I think he does just to irk me, if I go to Him, and appeal to Him, he is faithful and shows me again and again that He loves me and whatever I am being stupid and sensitive about, is actually for my own good and He is being my loving protector.

Passages like 1 Timothy 2 where it talks about the purpose of a women in the church makes me so mad. Guys get so much responsibility and God works through them in a great way. But what do I get? I get to pray? Behind the scenes? I'm supposed to submit? And stay quiet when it comes to teaching?

Sometimes, I plainly do not agree with what God does. But not too long ago. Like, literally 10 minutes ago, I went to Him and told him I wasn't happy. I was upset that I wasn't being "treated right" or wasn't getting the same "responsibility" men have in the church because of a woman HE made so long ago was deceived by a fallen male angel. This may not be correct to the whole extent, but that was my argument. But God answered faster than I could cry out.

"Do you trust Me?" He asked.
"... Sometime, I actually wonder.." I admit guilty.
"What have I done for you? Who am I? How much do I love you? he kept asking and I had no answer.

Ouch...

All right. Jesus? You win. Still. Again. Always.

I do love you. Thanks for loving me too.


P.S. No that was not the whole argument. I had a LOT more to say. And so did He. But this was the crucial part.

fail

I don't update often...mostly because no one ever reads my posts, but that is in fact the reason of this post. No one will read it, so I can pretty much say what ever's on my mind, and no one will care.

Tonight I did one of the hardest things someone ever has to do; break up with someone.

I HATE being the dumper. I have never really had a boyfriend, yet, I have done this twice now. I hate. my. life. I feel so awful for hurting him. I could have just not talked to him at all...but then I would have been out a friend. But perhaps, I am out one anyway. I pray I am not, though I am not going to hold my breathe. May be a long time waiting.

I feel like the worst friend in the world. Like I can never make up for this. All I want is for him to be okay and to still want to be my friend. That's it. I wish I could take his place. I SO wish that.

I have never been mush good at waiting. Yet, that's all I can do in this situation.

I was so afraid of being another Allie to him. I prayed I would never be that. But here and now, after everything I feel like nothing more than a sad excuse of a even a somewhat good friend. I still ended up being just. Like. Her.

I have excuses, I really do. And they're good ones. But when no one is listening, they mean nothing. No thing I can say will make up for this.

For Valentines Day I sent him a Teddy bear. I even named it. I sent chocolate and an amazing card...but the day after I sent it, I started having doubts as to if I should have sent it. I shouldn't have. It didn't help. Just made this evening that much worse.

I hate myself for being like this. But, I have found no way to have made it better. There was no way I could have known then what I know now.

He likes me.

I kinda liked him.

He still likes me.

I know now, I like someone else.

This, makes me awful and I feel like the utter failure. In relationships. And life.