Forgotten??

This time in life is tough. This we all know. Life is always hard. But is it supposed to be like this?? I don't know how other people felt during their Senior year of high school, but I'm pretty sure it's not this. I always hear how I shouldn't be trying to hurry out of high school. It was other people's favorite years in life! They got their best years out of that four years in high school. Do they every ask why I want to get out of it so badly? No. They just assume I want to grow up too quick like they did. I don't want to grow up. The older I get the more it sucks. I don't like getting older. Within the last 5 years of high school(yes, I have been in it for a year longer than usual) the only freedom I have gained since I was 13 is that I can drive and I have a cell phone, of which I pay for both. And even driving is limited because I still lack a car to get around to things that I need or even want to do. I can borrow my sisters' car whenever she isn't using it to take the kids to classes at our church or piano on Wednesdays. Which means...I can use the car IF i reserve it days in advance with her, on days they DON'T have class. So, I can use it for a short time on Monday mornings, and Thursday afternoons when I have voice lessons.

As of May 21st I will be a high school graduate. Finally! But, my family seems to have forgotten this day in my life. Grant it, it hasn't happened yet, but they are a part of it just as much as I am.

Last week, on Wednesday, we(the three of us. Mom, Dad, and I) were supposed to have our speeches written and ready to read to pastor who would listen, tell us what we need to change slightly and time it to see how long it is(it can only be 2 minutes ling for me, and 1 minute for each of my parents). But, you wanna know what my parents did instead? They stood outside the door making wedding plans with my eldest brother and his Fiancee'. They had just set a date for October 9th of this year. They talked about color schemes, flowers, dresses, tuxes, and anything else imaginable that comes with a great wedding! People have been waiting for this wedding for years! It was expected to happen!

That's right. That right there, made it so I walked into that meeting, the only graduate without even one parent with me. There were only 1 or 2 other graduates that didn't have both parents there. I was the only one without my parents completely. They had more important things to attend to.

I knew this was going to happen. I did. That's why I made my guest list, picked out how I'd make my invitations, wording for it, and wrote my speech 2 months in advance to when they needed to be done. I was prepared to have it go overlooked by the wedding to some extent. But to the point of not writing a speech? Forgoing a parent-child meeting? No. I hadn't pictured this. Shame on me for thinking they'd treat it as special ad the other two kids' graduations. Mine isn't as special, because 1)there's a wedding to plan. 2) I should have been graduated already. 3) They just want it over with. They have made that overwhelmingly apparent.

I'm not sure how to take all this.

There's more. Oh, is there more!

I need a job. I need a car. Neither of which can I get without the other. When my two older siblings got their licence, they paid for insurance, and my parents provided a car for them to drive as long as they would help out taking kids places they needed to go. You know what? I was 18 when I got my licence(a year older than both of the other kids), I was nannying my seven younger siblings, teaching them school, watching them daily. But yet, I am the only one without a car. The one that had the most of responsibility to deal with by them self, and I am in it unprepared. No way to get them to the doctor if they needed it. No way to take them to class. Why?? I don't know! why am I so different from the other kids that I don't get the things they told us we would have?!?! Even my YOUNGER brother was given the old car to fix up to drive. He's 17, with no licence, and he's owned it for a year. What is wrong with this picture?? Love? Consistency? A car in the world? I don't know. I don't know if it's something I did to make them mad at me, or what. But, I do know they they(especially dad) HATES how independent I am.

He for years has taught us all to be VERY dependent on them. To the point of not teaching us how to balance a check book before we get one, not teaching us the biblical grounds we'd need to survive as Christians in this world, and so on. They don't like I how I don't take the most important things in my life to them. He wonders why I don't. Can he really expect me to bring important things in my life to him when he doesn't even deal with the important things in his own? The answer is yes. He can. But I will continue to do things on my own. That's what they have made me into. Despite their trying actions. It worked on my other siblings to make them dependent, but it just pushed me to be even more independent, not wanting their help for anything. I can't.

There's more too, but I don't feel like venting any more. I'm tired of feeling mad, and upset, and hurt, and sorry for myself! I want it all to change!

Why can't it change?! That's all I want. A change. Something to be different. Move out possibly? But, then we go back to the job things, and then the car thing. I am definitely in a catch 22! Life sucks!