Sort of. The last 18 hours has been a shocker for me. And a big one. One of my biggest fears of dating came true. And not only did it happen, but what makes it even harder, I watched it happen with my own eyes while it happened.
What a kick in the stomach, and head, and lungs, and anything else that would take your breathe away so badly you feel like throwing up and haven't eaten in 24 hours. This never happens to me. I'm kind of like a boy when it comes to food and eating, but I have felt like an emotional eater, today especially in the sense that I am not hungry. I've drunk a lot of water to fill my stomach that hurts, but it's pain. Not hunger. Maybe God wanted me to fast for a few days. Maybe. And if so, it's definitely happening because I know I won't keep anything down anyways.
Life right now, is a whirlwind of emotions, broken promises, hurt feelings, immature decisions (on both parts), heavy hearts filled with regret, and deep depression.
I haven't felt depression like this since I was 18, not sure if I would live another year.
I hear all the time that it's selfish to want Christ to come back and take all this hurt away. But I also hear that it's selfish to want to stay here so we can see our kids graduate, get married, get married ourselves? But the truth of the matter is that we are to do what the Lord commands as long as He commands it. No matter what. No questions asked.
I fail. I want to know what the purpose is for this. But then God rebukes me; I know why it's happening - for my own good.
Yesterday, before all this went down, I was sitting in church and heard a quote that I loved..not knowing yet that it pertained to me in such a vast way.
"Every trial we face is allowed by God for our ultimate good." - James MacDonald
Also, one from the week before... " If God doesn't plan to use it, He wouldn't have allowed it."
I thank my savior for the series we have been covering in church. It was a blessing without a trial. It is a stronghold with a trial.
I praise God from whom ALL blessings flow.
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